I’m taking a tumblr hiatus. I’m unsure how long it will be.. It could be just a few days, or could be a long time until I figure myself out. I don’t want to do this, as I love this blog (even with how random and off topic it can be) and I love my followers, but I feel a hiatus would be best for me.
I doubt anyone will read this but.. I feel simultaneously the very worst and the very best I’ve ever felt in regards to my kinky side, and my submissive side.
I’m struggling with some big things.. My kinks and desires are evolving rapidly, but too much too fast. I no longer want to be brought to the edge anymore, it seems I want to be dropped over the edge and kicked and beaten and killed, and then somehow brought back. I feel I’m at a crossroads: I accept the sickest, darkest, most fucked up part of me.. I accept that I’m ‘broken.’ Or I turn the other way, I forget about those dark parts, I don’t cross the line between identifying as kinky and just plain sick.
However.. I don’t want either of those paths. I want the middle path. But the problem is that I don’t see the road right now.. I’m stuck.
But I want to be my little self, I want to be my normal vanilla world self (just living like a human being should), I want my kinky self, AND I want to be able to accept and learn to come to terms with the inhumane, depraved, self-abusive, part of myself. That last part is still ‘kinky’ but.. Its really bordering. Its hardly kinky, its.. almost suicidal, the things I want. Mental and physical.. I don’t know if that makes sense. I don’t have the words to accurately describe how I feel.
I seem to be fetishizing my own problems, and being more turned on than ever. And being turned on by others doing it to me, or thinking about others doing it to me. But Im doing it without really wanting to. I don’t want my hard past, my self harm, my anxiety, my bouts of depression, my LIFE, to be turned into kink. To be degraded. To be used as a fetish for how someone gets off. For how I get off! I’m not in this, I’m not kinky, to EXACERBATE those parts of myself, I’m in it to heal those parts. To gain confidence. To be intimate. Thus far, I’ve succeeded in doing that, I’ve been happier and more stable than ever before.
But now.. I have this monster inside me. That’s flipping it around and doing the exact opposite of that. Its taking my emotional pain and problems, the weaker parts of me, and using them against me to create fantasies about how I’m a useless/worthless (insert whatever you can think of here) and deserve to be raped, hurt, abused, killed, starved, tortured, whatever else you can think of) and that’s all I’ll ever be. How because a parent died in my life I’ll always be a messed up little (insert whatever degrading term you can think of here). Or because I’ve been depressed my lack of self-esteem means I’m only good for using. Etc. These types of thoughts combined with unrealistic fantasies of dangerous harmful scenes. Or its just thoughts of truly having no life outside of being a slave. Its all getting too real for me.. I won’t go on since I can’t really pinpoint exactly what it is or any specific fantasies.. Its just an overall feeling.
I’m familiar with degradation fetishes, as I have many of them.. But this is different. Just feels different.. I can’t explain..
I’m having great difficulty accepting those fantasies.. When I try to, and succeed for a moment, I feel incredibly free, and even strong.. But then I just go right back to feeling sick to my stomach.
Maybe I’m having a real problem separating fantasy from reality? Maybe I’m viewing everything as too real? Maybe I’m afraid of getting really hurt, physically or mentally, from doing those things, maybe I’m afraid someone will hurt me? Maybe I’m afraid I’ll mentally breakdown?
All I know is that my mind and body are betraying each other with separate desires and its not in a fun hot way. It just sucks.
I don’t know.. I’ve never ever in my life felt like I needed to purge myself of my kink, of my submission. But I spent all last night crying and feeling disgusted at myself and all of my kink.. Like I don’t know who I am anymore.
…Cant I have that part of myself without having to identify as wholly ‘broken’ or ‘unrepairable’? Why is it that the people, especially the dominants, who want to do those types of things to people like me, are bordering on misogyny, and don’t seem to have a grip on reality or how to care for a sub? That approach to D/s goes against everything I stand for in kink: trust, equality, compassion, intimacy, care, love, safety. This part of myself forces me to throw all of that out the window.. And I hate it.
This isn’t a cute kinky hot game for me, my submissive side makes up a majority of who I am. Its all very real. I’m naturally submissive and naturally kinky.. If I don’t figure this out, I dunno what I’ll do. My entire identity will change..
The reason this has to do with Tumblr is because once in a while I come across a blog that caters to that side of me and I just flip out. I flip out and yet I can’t stop staring and reading. I want it but at the same time it makes me sick to myself and sick at them for not including the reality of BDSM into their blog/fantasies (aftercare, D/s basics or info, etc). Its just pure fantasy that for them, is reality. Or they are pretending they can get away with it being their reality.
And all of these blogs are like this. And its not just dominants, its subs too. So why? Why are they saying that people like me are beyond ‘repair?’ Is it about competition? Do they see themselves as better than everyone else who’s kinky because they’re the most ‘hardcore’ and act like they’re not even a person, just a thing? Does them fetishizing real suffering, like real rape or abuse, make them ‘hardcore’ or just wrong in how they’re going about their kink? And if I’m turned on by it, what does that mean for me? Do I have to let my kinks define my strength as a person? My independence as a free person? My ability to make choices? The side of myself that wants to be treated like a human?
There’s too many unanswered questions, and I’m extremely confused within myself..
How does everyone else deal with it? I’m certain I’m not alone.. If anyone has advice or support, I’d appreciate it. I’ll come back here today, maybe tomorrow, to check.. If no one can help me, or if I don’t have some sort of revelation on how to simultaneously embrace and live with this side of myself.. Well then, I dunno what I’ll do.
I’m a person. That’s the reality of it, that’s the reality of D/s. And people need more than to just be used. Thats why aftercare exists, thats why safewords exist, that’s why Doms are caregivers (and if your dom isn’t trying to care and look out for you, you’ve probably got a crappy dom).
I need to not let this reality leave me, if I’m going to embrace these darker thoughts..
The good part is that I know my Daddy will never harm me.. And will always do whats best for me. I’m very comforted by this.. but at the same time I weirdly just want to know he’s as sick as me.. or capable of doing these types of things to me.. I’m not sure why.. It’s confusing. But I feel very close to him from all these feelings.. because HE is the one I imagine doing it all with. HE is the only one. And I know him.. I know how much he cares about me. So I know he’d never truly think of me in such horrible ways.. He could always bring me back to life..
Anyway, that’s all.. Thanks everyone.